Remember?
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: After Tess ends up in a jail cell with Hayes she really starts to pull-back and change the way she's been living her life. *tess/hayes: tiny bit of m content*


Remember

 **Part 1**

I sat uncomfortably still, trying my best to ignore her agitation.

It was her fault we were here.

I'd never been arrested before.

"Grrrrr," Hayes growled. Her feet shifted and I watched them occasionally. My face was resting in my hands and I was trying not to bite at her obvious calls for attention.

That's what got me here in the first place. She was like catnip to me and I was so embarrassingly weak.

"Dammit Tess. Please! Don't- ignore me." She begged, her voice cracking and softening near the end of her sentence. Her body moved into the space where my eyes peeked right out through my fingers. Desperate, she knelt before me.

I felt her hands on my wrists, tugging my hands down so I'd have to look at her, have to see.

"Stop," I said, bothered.

Hayes didn't even have to try. I was addicted to her and it was embarrassing. I could try and fool myself into thinking otherwise but who am I fucking kidding?! That's all some fantasy and this is real. It's complicated and dark and I can't shut it off like the water from a fountain. I am screwed.

I wanted Hayes. I wanted her too much.

"Please? Please don't hate me? Look, I know I'm stupid. I-I know you've probably never been in jail in your adorable little life, Tess."

"Don't!" I said, angry with her.

She was always trying to play with me and pick at me. That's why I was here. She was playing.

"Sorry," she said, letting go and looking out the bars of the jail cell towards the nothing in the hall. To me, the bad paint stood out. The bad paint that just barely coated the walls over the previous coat that was far more thorough.

Hayes had her hands on her hips and she used her balance and her muscles to stand up almost effortlessly. I could tell she felt guilty. I could tell and it made everything worse.

She paced again. This time she was more anxious than lonely. The silence was heavy and it buried me. I felt so wrong.

"I'm not a little person," I said, scared to even talk.

"Tess," she said, stopping to look back at me. Her lips pursed and her eyes did that flickering thing, that thing that made me certain she was interested despite all the evidence to the contrary, all the time she spent not noticing me, not remembering me, or pushing me off.

"Don't," I said, mad at myself for having spoken at all. Why was she so able to just give me that look?

My brow scrunched and I put my head down again in my hands to buy myself more time. This was the most time I'd ever spent with her alone. It'd been several hours now. My heart pounded. It was all I could feel.

The alcohol on my tongue and the slight dizziness wasn't helping much either.

"We'll be fine," she said. "I can't apologize enough. But you'll be fine. I-I promise. I'll fix this."

I didn't want to ask her what would've happened.

What if that cop hadn't been there?

I couldn't think about it now.

I held my head and kept myself quiet.

Eventually we'd get out.

She might forget. She might wipe my slate clean. But I wouldn't forget, not ever. I almost lost her for good.

 **Part 2**

Holiday celebrations weren't really my thing. We'd spent all week on that Hamilton case though and it was hard to shake the feeling that we should be celebrating our victory instead of hiding away and lonely.

"You clean up nice," Maxine said, working her way past me.

"Thanks," I said, trying hard not to stare. She was always immaculate. Today she looked exceptionally stunning.

I was lucky she was too busy to stop and chat. I couldn't string three words together right now, not if I had to force myself to purposely ignore that gap in her dress, that gap that perfectly framed and positioned her cleavage and taunted me.

This small get together had been Hayes's idea and that's probably why we all came. All but Sam...

I felt my body get knocked a little.

"Oh, shoot," Frankie said. "Sorry," he laughed, covering himself for something he wanted hidden. I noticed the glow in his cheeks. It was hard to resist my own smile. He was adorable and I couldn't hold back when he was happy like this.

"Ah- no worries," I said. His eyes were so mesmerizing. I often stared too long. It was hard to stop looking.

"You bring anyone?"

"'Course not," I laughed. I didn't even know how long I'd be here. Hayes was a bit of an unpredictable person and we were under no obligation to stay.

Plus, I had no one I wanted to bring.

"It's not right, ya know," Frankie judged.

"What's not right?" I asked. I'd been nursing a tall glass of champagne but it wasn't really good. This was my wallflower method. I'd stand in the middle of the room, pretend to be strong, and it somehow worked in tricking others into believing I was responsible and normal in some way.

"You. Single," he said. "Sam and Hayes I can get. But you?" He shook his head and stared down at me. "You're kinda perfect."

"Thanks?" I said, more as a question than anything else. "Hey but what do you mean about Sam and Hayes?"

"Oh come on," Frankie said. "Sam is so stiff he can hardly handle some other real person having feelings around him and Hayes is so impatient she can't take over two hours with the same person. They're just not made like us. He's a robot and she's got real problems she needs to address."

He wasn't too far off.

"Like us?" I asked. What was he implying?

"You're like me," he said. "Your heart is big. You're beautiful. And you pay attention."

"Oh," I said, trying to agree. Side-step the beautiful thing, I had the kind of heart that could send an innocent man to prison for five years. I didn't quite know what to say.

"What? You disagree?"

"No," I smiled awkwardly. A lot of times it really seemed like he was flirting with me but he wasn't. We were like siblings and I loved that.

"Hmm…" He mused. "I've hit a button. My bad."

"You haven't," I insisted. I didn't want him to be hurt. He'd been trying to pay me a compliment or three.

"Is this about that jail time?" He asked.

"What? No," I said.

"That wasn't you," he said. "It was Hayes. Everyone knows that."

"I was there," I said. We dealt in the business of blame and conviction. I wasn't about to shrink under the truth.

"Nah, only because she was there. There's a difference," he said, convinced.

"We were both on that bridge," I insisted. The facts were the facts.

"Yeah, but only one of you was hanging off that railing and looking down at that water like it might just be a good idea to go for a little midnight swim."

I swallowed hard in my throat and tried to keep my upset inside. A flash of my past filtered back to me. That bridge was so high up and I'd never been right where we had been that day, right smack in the center. If she had jumped she would've died. I wasn't sure what would've happened had that cop not been there and noticed her. I was half upset that I'd never know and half grateful. It was all a messy blur.

"I get that she's magnetic," Frankie said, eyebrows lifting. "I'd just hate to lose you to just one more Hayes _accident_."

Was I lost? Is that what I was?

Hayes had gotten so far beneath my skin. We all spent day and night together but she, especially, was flowing through me in the way wine can take over once sipped a little too much, a little too fast. With her it was all at once or nothing at all.

Always together, and she, like wine?

He was hinting at my inability to stay sober, away from her influence.

I smiled.

It was what I _could_ do.

"You don't have to worry," I lied.

I was no one's responsibility. No one but my own.

My eyes were stolen by the sight of Hayes coming into the room. I didn't even think she would come but here she was.

"Right," Frankie said, noticing my instant change once presented with her presence.

I tried not to be angry with him. I didn't need a big brother. Everyone always treated me like a child because of how I looked but I was smart and we were equal. He needed to back off a bit just like I immediately did right after he had me look into his friend.

No one treated me with the same care I gave.

More and more, I kept noticing that.

Maxine came the closest but because of that we were nearly strangers. She valued respect over everything else. It wasn't a bad code but it allowed for truths to stay hidden. I wanted to know her more but I was just as scared of hurting her. In a lot of ways distance seemed better.

I kept having to wonder what was better and how I should be.

One time Sam hit on me and it was awkward. I wish that had never happened.

I was glad for Hayes whenever she arrived. Whatever was missing, with our team, she immediately fixed it.

She was just super complicated and I had this stupid problem of wanting her. I hadn't expected her to be in my life like this but she was.

"There's my winning team!" She teased, walking past us with a large bottle of tequila in her hand. "Who wants to drink with me?"

She looked to Frankie and I.

I opened my mouth to answer but Frankie beat me to the punch.

"I will," he said. "And so will Tess."

"Oh-uh, sure," I said, already shaky.

I put my fluted glass down and walked over to where Hayes was pouring a few shots.

"Good! Let's all drink then! Everyone!"

Wallace had been hanging around. I wondered if she invited him, perhaps asked him to come?

We were all dressed up and the office was decorated yet empty. It was funny actually. Sometimes we were a family and sometimes we were nothing more than complicated colleagues who occasionally shared the same floor.

Support staff was gone for their holiday and only Sam decided to ditch. That didn't surprise me though he'd been gruff and unapproachable ever since Hayes turned up for the job. He was still rightly pissed.

Wallace was leaning on the edge of a doorway, holding his arms in close in his suit. I wondered if he ever went out in just a t-shirt. I imagined he'd be handsome in layman's clothes. Too bad we'd never see it.

"Tess," Hayes said, lifting her head and turning it towards mine. A filled shot glass in her hand.

"Oh," I said, taking it.

"You okay?" She asked, staring at me.

"What? Ahh, um, yea," I said, nodding.

"Good, cause this is just one of many, you know. We've got a lot to make up for."

Last time she handed me a shot we were in a dark pub sitting next to each other far too close in a secluded corner booth. She'd been hitting on me that night. Teasing me but somehow in a way I couldn't say no to.

My fingers touched hers and I had to shut my eyes just to stand near her now. Her perfume was so strong and it filled me.

"Here you go, Frankie," Hayes said. "Now my brother may not be too excited about my drinking but it's the holidays, right?"

"Sure is, boss," Frankie cocked his head and took the shot quick without waiting.

"Dirty cheater," Hayes smiled, taking the glass right from his hands and refilling it. "Don't drink that one yet!" She hurried to get in. "I'm making a toast."

Maxine walked over and took one of the already filled shot glasses to hold. She looked down on me and rolled her eyes. It always made me smile when she teased Hayes. She was so good at it, she made me jealous.

"How many shots exactly is customary?" Maxine asked.

"Customary?" Hayes asked, looking over at her in a mocking way. "Hmm, ya know, now that you mention it, I never really keep count."

"You're embarrassing," Maxine deadpanned.

"Hey, at least I'm honest about it," Hayes confessed.

She walked a shot glass over to Wallace and forced him to take it.

Whenever he was in the room she acted a little strange. I hated to know I was not on her radar. It angered me. Times like these I felt inadequate and unwanted like I could be anyone and look any way and I still wouldn't matter. It was hard.

"Alright, well. Thanks for coming. You all know the last place I want to be right now is with my mother. She always throws those embarrassing holiday parties and I always find some way to either skip it altogether or ditch out. But today I had an actual excuse, a legitimate excuse. No matter what else you're all feeling today you should feel proud! We've been doing our best for months and helping people as much as we can but today we really out-did ourselves, so thank you! I'm proud of us! Well, mostly you," she laughed.

She raised the glass up and we all looked at each other while raising our glasses too and then drinking.

"Okay!" She laughed, looking to Wallace and then back to me. "Enough with the sappy stuff! I ordered take-out and it should be here any minute so let's drink!"

I laughed at her and then looked to Maxine just in time to see her roll her eyes again. The hard liquor burned a little as it coated my throat but I loved it.

"I have to be home by seven," Maxine said, walking back to the table. "One of us has a family she actually wants to see."

I put my glass down next to Frankie's and felt him pull me playfully back toward the couch.

"You know instead of doing shots we could just all have a real glass," Frankie teased. I got comfortable sitting down by his side.

"That sounds good actually," I piped in. We were super close, him and I. Sometimes it got a little too real though. I could never exactly tell why we were close. Some people I pushed away and some people I didn't. We shared similarities somehow without even having to mention them. It was freaky but a gift.

"Well, surprise, surprise," Hayes teased. "I never would've pegged you for a drinker, Tess."

We'd drank a lot that night and it wasn't the first. We talked a lot too. It got way too real. For the both of us.

My eyes sort of narrowed. I looked at her sort of sideways. Either she didn't remember it or she was fucking with me.

"Um, ya know what. I should probably go home," I moved to stand but Hayes moved forward and easily pushed me back down.

"Uh- no way. I can't spend tonight alone. Sit."

"Hayes-"

"Come on, I was joking," she teased. She leaned in a little so her lips were near my ear. "We both know this isn't the first time I've handed you a shot."

A blush flooded onto my cheeks and I could feel the heat of it.

I scoffed a small laugh, almost choking on my pleasure as I looked over towards Frankie for some distraction and some relief. He was shaking his head. He must've heard her. Or maybe my face was too much.

"You know, I've got a date at eight," Frankie said, moving his wrist up near his eyes so he could look down at the face of his watch.

"Yeah and I have to make appearances with your mother," Wallace said.

"Wait? So everyone's going?!" Hayes was mad.

My blush of flattery turned quickly into a blush of embarrassment instead as I felt the anger in myself bubble up to the surface.

"K, yeah, I'm really leaving now," I said, getting up.

"Tess," Maxine must've caught how Hayes upset me. Hayes had purposely called me no one. She did that often and I hated it. Why was she so fucking mean?!

"Hey," Hayes said, grabbing my wrist to stop me from going. We exchanged a look and I couldn't speak. I was too angry. "Oh-okay," she stuttered out, letting go of me and shrugging sadly. It was the jail cell all over again. Her hurting me and then thinking I somehow still owed her a reward. "I-I am sorry, Tess. I didn't mean..." Her voice trailed off. It was for the best though, probably. What was I thinking in wanting her? She never settled with anyone. I was stupid. Leaving was smart.

"Goodnight," I said, finding my coat and taking the stairs.

It wasn't until I was down on the cement outside that I realized I'd been shaking from my anger.

 **Part 3**

The rest of the night was fine. Instead of allowing myself to be Hayes's little lap dog I ordered some chinese food, opened a bottle of wine, and settled into my pajamas to watch some crap documentaries and appease my own curious mind.

Ten minutes into documentary number 2, there was a knock on my door and it startled me.

No one ever came over, not to this place, this place was new.

I got up, nervously. I was just in a white v-neck and my black spandex sleep-shorts. When I stood up, Roger fell off of me and started to wander away.

I walked carefully toward the entrance and stood at a distance to just stare at the still wooden door.

"Oh, come on, Tess. Please answer. I know you're there."

My head fell back in frustration. The clock said 10:10 and I hadn't invited her here.

I walked forward and opened the door. "What the hell Hayes," I stated.

"What the hell?" She asked, eyebrow raising. I never talked to her this way.

Her eyes traveled down and she was obviously checking me out.

"Hey," I said, grumpily, checking her.

"Can I come in?" She flirted.

"Seriously?" I asked. "Why are you here?"

"Beeeecause I'm an asshole and I hurt your feelings and you deserve a boss who isn't a jack-ass and also not to be alone on a holiday when you could be with someone else."

"Oh, I see," I said. "This is about you being alone."

"No," she said, bothered. She looked down on me again after thinking about what I said. "There are a lot of places I can be, ya know. I'm Hayes Morrison. I can wander into any bar in this city and leave with someone horny in under two minutes."

"Well, maybe you should then," I said drolly, moving to shut the door.

Her hand stopped my door and held it open.

"You really hate me don't you?" She asked.

"Just come in," I said, moving back to the couch and turning the tv off.

I wasn't sure if I should be glad or not that she'd come all the way here just to fuck with me.

"Is that your cat?"

"Roger, yea," I said, sitting down and crossing my arms.

"He's so sweet."

"Yea, it's helpful," I grumbled.

I didn't know how to be with her in my space. She played with me too much, liked to get me on fire and watch as I burned.

"Can I get you a drink?" She asked.

"Oookay," I said, looking ahead of me at the half filled wine glass I already had. This was my house. I should be the one asking her that.

She got up and moved about my condo. I heard her pour two shots of something. She set one down in front of me and then wandered away. I refused to watch but I heard the glass door open, leading out to my balcony, and it made me stand up.

"Just looking," she said. "Not gonna jump."

"That's not even funny," I said, relaxing. I took the shot she poured and found the wine with my hand right after so that I could drink it down and dull this whole dance.

"What's happening with us?" Hayes asked.

I was quiet a second. I could make fun of her. I could lie.

"You make me nervous," I said.

"Yeah, and why's that? Too crazy?"

"That's half of it," I said, pouring some wine and walking it over to her.

She leaned back on the wall by the open doorway and stared out at the cityscape. My condo was high up and the view was impressive. I knew Hayes though, she'd seen many impressive views. Why should this one be any different?

When I got close she put her hand on my hip and took the wine from me, staring at me while she slowly drank it. Her eyes were like sex.

I watched and stayed, allowing her to touch me.

"What's the other half?" She asked.

"It doesn't matter," I said, shaking my head and moving away.

"Does to me," she said, following me back inside. "You've been awfully distant, Tess."

"I've been present," I said, defensively.

"You think so?" Hayes asked.

"I do, yes."

"Okay," she said, swallowing and thinking about what to say. "Is that your bedroom?" She asked, pointing.

"Yup," I said, raising my eyebrows. All she was doing right now was being intrusive.

She turned toward the hall and walked down it.

I waited in my living room until it was clear she wasn't coming back out.

I picked up the wine bottle and drank from it. As I got near my bedroom I heard Hayes as she started to talk.

"I used to be like you, ya know? When I was really young. I used to be scared of everything."

"I'm not scared," I said, walking into the doorway and leaning onto the frame.

"Well, okay, cautious," she said. "Is that a better word?"

"That's not what I am."

"Okay, what _are_ you then, Tess. What do you think you are?"

"Damaged maybe," I shrugged. I lifted the bottle up and took a drink from it and I heard her scoff.

"Damaged?" She repeated.

"Yeah. I think so. I think that's it."

"Smart, careful girl, never been to jail, never been in trouble."

"Your definition of trouble is different than mine," I said carefully.

"You know, you've been different with me ever since that day on that bridge."

"Sorry?" I said. I knew she didn't want that. I said it on purpose.

"No," she said. "No, I'm sorry. That's what I keep trying to tell you."

"What would you have done?" I asked, really looking at her. She'd crawled up on my bed and she was sitting on it in her exercise sweats with her knee bent and her back against the headboard. She hadn't been sweaty but I really wondered if she had run here.

"What?" She asked, eyebrows scrunching as she thought about it.

"You said you'd been up on that bridge before," I remembered. "Were you really gonna jump?"

"No," she said, soberly. "Gimme that," she held out her hand and waved her fingers so I would bring the wine bottle to her.

"What was that then?" I asked. "What was that whole night?"

I needed some answers.

"Oh, I dunno," she said, reaching for the bottle. I pulled it away at the last second and she scoffed at me staring into my eyes. "You can be really mean," she laughed darkly.

"Yeah, I don't really care about that."

"I doubt that," she teased, laughing again.

"You all think I'm this weak little person, don't you."

"Tess, no," she said, hurt by that.

"No, it's true. I see it. You all think I'm a kid. It's naive."

"Is it?" She asked, pursing her lips and addressing me seriously. "Are you not a good person?"

When she looked at me like this it stalled me. I got so caught up in her being, all that she was, that I lost my train of thought. Deer in headlights, sometimes all I could do was just stare.

"Hmm," she scoffed.

I laughed and shook my head a small bit, finally shaken from that little spell of hers. I twisted my head up and then downward and drank some more wine.

"Why'd you go out with me that night, Tess."

"What?" I asked, looking up at her sort of bothered.

"You knew I was emotional. You know how I am."

"I don't know anything," I said, swallowing hard.

She was right though. I knew that wouldn't be a picnic. I wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to be the one who got to see.

"Did you think you could stop me?" She asked. She moved forward just enough to clasp my wrist and pull me close enough that I would have to sit with her. "I mean, if I was going to do it," she whispered. "Did you think you could stop me?"

"No," I said.

She took a deep breath in and let it out. Her eyes weren't looking at mine but then they did.

"That's pretty fucked up," she said.

"Not really," I defended myself, staring back and shaking my head.

"Okay…" She said, leaning back against the bedframe again and reaching out to take the wine.

I watched her take the bottle to her lips and drink some painfully down. Her eyes shut and stayed shut until she finished.

"I remember you, ya know."

"Wha-ah- what?" I asked.

"You were a freshman," she said. "I figured it out a while ago. You snuck into my classes sometimes and you didn't think I noticed you."

"What?" I hadn't been expecting this at all.

"In fact, you never think I notice you but I always do. I remember you."

"Hayes," I scoffed, embarrassed. I pushed my hair out of my face.

"That bar," she gasped. "You were soft," she said, clenching her jaw and playing with it. "I was reckless... Was I your first?"

"My, ah. My first, what?" She was too close for comfort. I never ever thought she'd remember this. She hadn't seemed to remember a thing.

"Your first lover," she said, eyes suddenly wide open as she stared at me, accusingly.

It'd been so long since that night.

"You were my hero," I said. It wasn't the first time I said it.

"And… What am I now?" She asked.

The room was so still and quiet. I looked around it and felt uncomfortable.

"You don't have to answer," she said. "I get it. I'm a bad person. And I make you uncomfortable. And I should go."

She moved to get up and I got up too and put myself between her body and the door.

Her body came close and I felt her hands touching me as mine touched her to slightly ask her not to go. "It _was_ a bar, wasn't it?" She wanted to make sure she was right.

"It- it was," I confessed, already breaking from her touch. I'd only just come to college back then. It was my third month. I'd never been with anyone before, not like that.

"Did- Did I hurt you?" She asked huskily. I felt her hand at my neck and her hair falling down around my face and her own. "Please tell me I didn't."

"You didn't hurt me," I said, remembering it. What she'd done changed my life. "Quite the opposite actually."

"So why are you mad?" She asked. We were both shaky now. We were both almost drunk, touching too much and breathing too hard.

I had to think really hard on that one. What should I say?

"I dunno," I lied, feeling weak under her presence.

"I think you're lying," Hayes said, catching me in it, breathing me in and twisting her forehead against mine as she lost herself a little bit. "God, I knew I remembered you." Her words were dragging out and getting quieter. "You were so sexy that night. Small little thing… The way you trembled..."

She used her hands to find my hips and twist my body. I felt her hands traveling my body, holding me against her as they roamed.

"We danced," she said. "And you didn't talk that whole time."

"Ya-you remember?" I asked, skeptical.

As her hands traveled, my breath became fragmented and my nipples hardened so fast.

It was so hard to form coherent thought, let alone form words.

"You fucking kidding me?" Hayes scoffed, breathless. "Of course I remember you Tess. When we first met again in the office I asked you if we knew each other right away and you said we hadn't met so I called myself crazy and pushed it all down. Pushed it away.. But it _was-_ it _was_ you. Why-"

Her voice cut off. She was too busy touching me to talk and wonder anymore.

As she gripped her hand over my breast and squeezed I leaned back into her body and gasped.

"Yesss," she huffed, feeling me. "Yes, I remember you."

We were both breathing hard but I was scared to move. It felt too good just like I remembered.

"We kissed all the way to my house, right? That driver wasn't even there."

"Uh-huh," I confirmed. Her hands were pure magic. We were reliving it.

One of her hands made it's way under my shirt and I felt her scratch her nails slightly down across the skin of my stomach.

"You let me taste you, everywhere," she panted.

I felt her tasting my neck now, reminding me of what had happened. Reminding me of us.

My senses were already on overload. She was touching so much.

My eyes closed as I felt her tongue licking over the pulse point in my neck.

Her mouth moved it's way up to my ear and I felt her suck on my earlobe a second.

My sex clenched.

"I made you cum so fast with my tongue."

My breathing stuttered and I made a small gasp of a noise.

"That was you, right?"

"Yea," I breathed out, barely. "Yea," I nodded, but she twisted me quickly and started to kiss me like she'd done that night so long ago before we worked together and before she knew all the things she knew about my dark past and my secrets and complications.

My head was off elsewhere and my body was on fire with sensation. I didn't think she'd remember. She was so drunk. And when we first saw each other again she seemed not to notice, not really.

When she asked me if we'd met before she didn't ask it like she remembered her hands on my skin or the taste of me inside of her. She didn't ask it like that.

The bridge was all I thought we'd talk about tonight but now we were here.

I lost control of myself and felt my back hit the mattress hard and flat as she pushed me back and crawled ontop of me. One kiss, then two, then three. She deeply pushed her way deep down into the depths of my heart.

"God, you're so mean," she said, suddenly angry with me but not enough to back off. She enjoyed me too much too. We were both like a sickness, a cruel thing.

I layed back, refusing to do much of anything since that was my chosen way to deal with stress and turmoil and problems I never exactly had to claim. I'd made a business of solving other people's problems since it was so impossible to figure myself out and solve my own.

"You left me," she said. "And you left me nothing."

I felt her hand on my neck, placing a small bit of pressure, as she kissed me hard and forced me to feel her.

"I woke up naked, no clue who you were or if I'd ever see you again, but I knew I mattered to you. God, that's twisted, Tess."

I didn't know what to say.

"I thought you'd get over me," I said.

She kissed the side of my face and I felt her fingers tugging on my shirt and pulling it up.

I didn't have a bra on but I was still surprised when she moved extra quickly and placed her mouth over my nipple. Sensation rushed my body as I felt her warm mouth suck deliberately and take from me.

"Do you even know how many people have said that to me?" She asked, panting.

She moved down my body and I felt her hands tug at my shorts and pull them right off. A clear decision was made deep down inside of her.

"Whoa!" I said, but she was faster than me. My body had instinctively started to walk back from hers but her hands found my ankles and she pulled me back down. Before I could say anymore, her face was between my legs and she was tasting me just like years ago.

My hands swam instantly right into her hair and my fingers tugged. I cried out almost instantly as I came.

"Mmmmm!" She mumbled, a near growl against my sex as she felt me quickly explode for her.

"Fuck!" She cursed after breathing and riding me through it.

I lay back on the mattress, completely lost but in love.

"Why don't you talk to me?" She asked, bothered and panting. She licked up my side in one long stroke and crawled ontop of me to rest, cradling the side of my face with her gentle hand as she kissed up my neck and panted, taking advantage.

"I-I'm sorry," I said, still scared to let myself speak. Every part of me had to fight the happy feeling. She really didn't have to do anything and she got me there. It was embarrassing but lovely.

"Don't apologize to me ever, Tess."

"I can't stop myself from doing it. I am sorry. I'm always wrong."

"You're not," she said, kissing the side of my face carefully.

I whined a little without meaning to and her lips found mine. She tenderly showed me that we could be calm together, that I didn't have to go anywhere.

I felt her hands in mine, pushing them back against the mattress, asking me to stay still and stay down beneath her where I would be safe.

I wasn't sure if she knew it but she was loving me better than I'd ever been loved before her or after.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?"

I shook my head back and forth nervously. When she touched me it was too much but I wanted it so I'd rather be nervous.

"Do I scare you?" She asked.

"Ah-a little," I confessed. "It's because I want you too much."

"Fuck, I like you," she said, kissing me slower now, taking her time again like she did that very first time when she didn't know me at all. "You know I've dreamt about you?" She dazed.

"What?" I laughed.

"Oh, yeah," she said. "That was nowhere near my average one night stand."

I didn't know what to say.

"Have you been with many people?" She asked.

I paused 'cause the answer was embarrassing.

"I tried," I said, carefully. "Nothing else felt right."

"Shit," she panted, pushing my hands back again and leading her lips back to mine until her tongue was deep inside my mouth and fighting to steal me. She owed me and she knew it.

If she was the only one who made me feel she knew I wouldn't mind it if she played with me this way, so she took from me and made me feel things again. She claimed as hers and allowed me to be the one beneath her on a special night.

She shut me up for a long time, kissing me deeply and stroking her fingers down my arms and back up into my hands. I already wanted her inside me but I was embarrassed to ask.

We wrestled a little while, our bodies fighting for what felt the best and what felt comfortable. Her hands avoided my center and I felt sad for that but everything else was really nice.

Eventually I won a little and lay on my side, carefully resting half of myself onto her as I stroked her side and felt her breathing change with my moving touches.

"Can I stay the night with you?" She asked.

"Of course you can," I said, reality crashing down on me.

I hadn't wanted to tell her because I hadn't wanted for it to happen again and hurt even more.

"What's wrong?" She asked. "What are you thinking?"

"You feel too good," I said, taking her hand in mine and moving two of her perfect fingers into my mouth so that I could suck on them.

She hadn't been expecting that and she gasped as my eyes rolled in the pleasure of tasting her.

"Mmmmm," she hummed, eyes closed as she let herself feel me. "No, I think you feel better."

I didn't want to ask her what it meant. I needed to wait.

Somehow, she must've moved, she started to kiss me again. I realized she was thirsty for me and greedy that night.

I don't know when we fell asleep but we did. We probably kissed for several hours without stopping. It was probably me who fell asleep. She felt too perfect and it was just like a dream.

 **Part 4**

In the morning I woke first. Once I felt that I was still clutched against her body and, in her arms, I forced myself to fall back to sleep again. I'd been spending so much time daydreaming about this feeling that I had to enjoy it now that I really had it. I knew it might never happen again and I wanted it to last.

Hayes cleared her throat and I woke again.

"Oh," she said. "Sorry." The light was streaming in through my open curtains. I usually closed them before bed but she had caught me by surprise.

"Oh," I said, stirring awkwardly. I moved to pull away from her but she pulled me back. "No, stay," she said. "You feel right here."

It was my house but I knew what she meant. Our bodies just fit. We were the perfect size for one another and together we couldn't possibly be more comfortable.

"Last night was interesting," she laughed lightly.

"Little bit," I concurred. I was waiting for it all to fall apart. Knowing Hayes this would just happen and then we just wouldn't talk about it. That was Hayes. That's how she was with other people. That's how she'd be with me. That's certainly how she was the day after the bridge.

"So, what's it mean?" She asked.

"Pardon?"

"You kept all these lovely things secret from me and push me away, keeping us impersonal. I just want to know what you want so I don't screw any good things up again like before."

"You couldn't," I lied.

"No, believe me, I could. My history is bad for a reason. I'm not good with this stuff. I miss things and push people off. I drive people away. It's not like I don't want to be happy. That's certainly not it."

"This is really serious early morning conversation," I droned. "Maybe we should wait to have this conversation."

"Oh. Sorry," she said. "You're right… And Merry Christmas."

The thought of it being Christmas forced me to awkwardly laugh.

"What?" She asked.

"I've never woken up naked with someone on Christmas," I realized quickly.

"Well, then I'm glad it's me," she said.

"Are you really?" I asked, propping my head up on my hand and staring at her.

"Really really," she said, staring back a little vulnerable.

I let my eyes linger over her features and stay.

"I mean that," she said.

"Yeah," I said, biting my lip to keep myself from talking.

"So," she laughed out a breath. "What else haven't you done?" She was teasing me now.

"Don't be mean," I warned, stopping her mind from all it's bad thoughts.

I remembered my thoughts in the night, how much I wanted her inside me.

"The more secrets you keep, the more likely I am to torture you," she sang.

"Okay boss," I teased back. I knew how much she hated being the one who got to lead.

"We are in bed and you cannot call me that while I'm naked."

"Why not?" I asked, teasing back.

"I don't like it," she said, shaking her head. "In fact, don't ever call me that again."

"Fine," I said.

"Fine," she answered back.

We both got a little quiet again and I wondered if I'd fucked things up.

"People think because I can have anything it means I can have anyone but that's not how it works." Truth bombs left and right with her.

"How so," I asked, needing elaboration.

"I sleep around a lot but most people don't want something serious with me. They think I'm too much of a mess. Too many exes, too many addictions, too complicated."

"And what do you want?" I asked.

"Depends on the time. And the person," she said, staring at me.

"Hmm…" I said. I couldn't tell if she was dodging my question or trying to hit on me.

"I like this," she said. "I liked it the first time too but you never let me find you and tell you that. You must've hid from me actually."

"You didn't recognize me in the office," I said. I did hide from her at school. I kept a far distance. I was too smart about it. The office was different. In the office I directly kept up my lie.

"Okay, that's a stretch." She didn't like it when I said that to her.

"Is it?" I asked.

"I told you I recognized you…"

"Hmm…"

"I did." She said. "I just know what it's like to not want to have to work under someone who has seen you be vulnerable."

"Oh…" I said, quietly. I knew about her and Wallace. She was on pins every time he came around.

"If you wanted to pretend, I would pretend. But you really did make me think I was just crazy. You were too sweet of a person to lie to me. And also you were too good at your lie."

"Was I?" I asked.

"Far too good," she said. "That's why I kept from getting close to you and kept from watching you in the office. You affected me seemingly without meaning to and it was strange. I felt guilty."

I wondered suddenly if this was why Hayes could have whomever she wanted. When she talked with you one-on-one you wanted to love her.

"You probably say things like this to all the other girls too," I wasn't trying to tease. I just wanted her to be fucking real.

"You've seen how people are, Tess. Everyone is different."

I didn't want to talk about this anymore. She was the only person I wanted. How could I ever trust that she wouldn't just cheat on me when the opportunity presented itself, I couldn't.

But that was all talk for relationships and this wasn't that.

I moved, getting up.

When I stood beside the bed I felt her fingers pinch at the skin on my hips. My body was yanked back and I was forced back ontop of her once again.

"I hate when you walk away from me," she growled, teasing me.

"Sorry," I lied. I liked pissing her off. I was starting to realize that now.

"So evil," she said, holding me to her and hugging me so I couldn't go.

I hadn't been trying or even wanting to leave really.

I knew this was about that other time more than now.

Who knows though, maybe it was just about everything.

"Stay with me a while?"

"Okay," I agreed.

It was Christmas. That meant something to her. She needed someone and I wanted her so why the fuck not?

 **Part 5**

We'd gone three months in this confusing dance.

Sometimes she was in my bed and sometimes she was other places. She was a busy girl, an important person. She had a lot of freetime though, time I was too scared to ask her about.

I'd strewn papers all over the office table and I was trying to hurry and organize them so I could leave before she was ready and done.

A lot of me was starting to think that she only liked me because it was convenient. I was usually the last one in the office. I was always around.

My eyes caught sight of something interesting in a photograph and I picked it up. There was a speck on the grass nearly outside of the crime scene, a small spot of blood that could imply the murderer exited some other way. I knew in an instant this was big. My fingers tensed.

"Stop that," Hayes said.

I hadn't heard her approach. Her body was on me before I had time to adjust.

She leaned in against my back and took the photo from out of my fingers, throwing it like a frisbee. That was evidence, so important. I wanted to fly after it but I stayed. I felt her fingers pulling my hair back. Her breath on my neck was warm and it shook me.

My eyes shut as she made a meal of my body so easily and all in one instant.

Fingers from one of her hands smoothed 'round the front of my neck and then spread so when she made out with my pulse point, in that space she knew made me useless, she did so in just a way that she warned I couldn't move if she wanted me just to stay.

"You're not allowed to be so delicious in this office," Hayes whispered. "You're gonna get me in trouble."

"You're such a predator," I said quietly, a little angry with her.

It felt like a stupid game. But I loved her and I knew that I did.

"Mmmm, so what if I am?" She asked. I felt her unzipping the back of my skirt and my eyes flew open as I looked around to make sure we were the only ones left. I was being paranoid. The staff had left long ago and so had the team.

Wallace wandered in sometimes after hours though. He wandered in enough to make me wonder if Hayes was fucking him on the nights she stayed late and I didn't ask her to come over.

"You treat me badly," I barely let out. I liked when I could feel her everywhere, her body at my back and hand and lips on my neck. She was so strong and perfect. In the office she wore her heels though and that made her too tall, I didn't like that.

"Ohhhhh, do I now?" she asked, sliding her hand under the fresh opening in my skirt and slipping it round to my front where she could slip expertly down my center inside of my sex and touch me without much of a care.

I gasped, frozen against her.

"Is this bad?" She asked, stroking on either side of my clit with two open fingers smooth and delicate and open just so.

"Uhh-" I gasped again, unable to elaborate.

"You've been teasing me all day in this skirt, walking around my desk and leaving files in front of other people so I have to look at your ass."

"I haven't," I lied. "I've just been doing my job."

"Bullshit," she said, slipping her fingers in deeper until the tips touched just inside my center and she felt me clench around them, wanting them inside. "I know when you're thinking about me."

"I'm always thinking," I said airily. We'd had a lot of sex in the last three months but lately I'd been making up excuses to try and distance myself and get out of it. I guess I should've known this was coming.

"Maybe you should stop acting like you're above this and start treating me like I'm a person instead of a thing."

"What?" I asked, eyes shooting open again as I pushed down the pleasure and used my whole body to push myself back so she'd have to get off.

"Whoa?" She said, taken aback. I'd actually thrown her. Physically and mentally. "Tess, I was kidding," she said fast.

I had stepped to the side and put distance up there.

I looked at her awkwardly after realizing I'd sort of freaked out.

"Umm," I said, wetting my lips and looking her up and down on accident. "I-I should go," I said, hurrying to walk away towards the door. I fixed my skirt as I grabbed my purse.

Naturally, Hayes followed me. I tried to shut the elevator door so she couldn't come but she slipped inside just in time so we'd be trapped in a small space.

"What's going on with you?" She asked, allowing me physical space.

"I-I dunno," I lied. "Nothing."

"You're lying," she said. "You're pushing me away."

Her arms were crossed in around her body and she was holding herself.

"Are.. Are you sleeping with Wallace?" I asked, point blank. I couldn't take knowing that it was true but I had to man-up to feel better.

"What?" She looked over at me sort of hurt.

"Na-nevermind," I said, shaking my head. "Forget it."

"Wait, no," she said, taking my wrist in her hand since I reached to press a different button on the console. It was a long ride down and I couldn't take that much silence with her. "You think I'm cheating on you?"

"What? What are you talking about? We're not together," I said.

"What?" She asked, staring down at me now. I had to look, she was shocking me too much.

"We never said-"

"I'm not sleeping with anyone else, Tess. I mean the things I say to you, otherwise I wouldn't say them."

I stood there sort of frozen and staring. I didn't know how to talk to her. I was bad at this. There was a reason I hadn't been close like this to anyone before.

The doors to the elevator opened and we both turned to look out.

Hayes dropped my hand.

We waited so long the doors closed again but the elevator didn't move, we just stayed inside of it standing still and pretending it was normal.

"I-I hurt your feelings," I said, realizing it.

"It's fine," she lied. "I _am_ a screw up. It's not like you were far off in assuming things. I have cheated on other people before. Just not you."

We hadn't talked about what we were, not really.

We didn't have a label and no one at work knew.

I kept all the words from coming out of me since they fought for dominance anyway and left me no chance of making any sense.

"I-I can't figure you out, Tess. One second I know you want this and the next you're back to pretending I don't make a difference."

"That's not…" My words drifted. I couldn't say more.

"If you don't want to be with me just tell me. I can take it."

I looked up at her, feeling a bit of her pain. "I want to be with you more than I've wanted anything in my life, including this job."

It was the truth I could say.

"But you don't want a label?" She asked. "We've been dating a while and you haven't asked me to move in."

"Move in?" I laughed, confused by her.

My hand made it's way over my stomach and I realized what I was feeling was giddy excitement more than shock. She always surprised me. I didn't know she'd been thinking these things.

"Normal people in normal relationships sleep together every night," she said. "You only ask me over now and then."

"Now and then…" I repeated, hearing our life from her point of view.

Did she want to move in with me?

"I know you don't want Frankie and Maxine and Sam to know. I can see it when I come anywhere near you. You freak out."

"Hayes…"

"What? We need to talk about this. You won't let us talk."

The doors to the elevator opened again. This time it wasn't because of something we did.

A man stepped into the elevator and we both moved apart a little to give him some room.

"What floor?" He asked me.

"Twenty-two," I said.

"Ahhhh, the CIU. I've heard good things about you."

"Thanks," I said, awkward. My cheeks flushed and I worried that Hayes would think I was flirting with him. I'd think that if it were her. I was constantly thinking she was flirting with everyone. I was sick.

His floor was number five. He got out almost as quickly as he had come.

Hayes and I rode uncomfortable all the way back to our floor since he'd pushed our button for us and made it so.

When the doors opened we both got out.

Hayes walked past me right into her office. She walked slow but I knew what she was going to do.

Soon as she found her drawer she kicked her heels off and pulled a bottle of Whiskey from her desk stash and started to fill a glass.

I hugged my body awkwardly, kicked off my own heels and walked into her space.

"I've never done this," I said, shakily. "I've never liked anyone as much as I like you. I'm scared."

"Scared of what?" She asked, refusing to look at me.

"You're not just anyone Hayes. You're someone I've looked up to my whole life. And you're better in person. When you say things to me I don't know how to take it. I can't even believe you slept with me once let alone again and again and again. None of this makes sense."

"Sometimes I think you're playing some game with me," she said.

I scoffed.

"I mean it," she said seriously. I guess it was confession hour.

She was surveying me as she drank from her glass and I could see the unsteadiness in her. "My mother would pay people to do that, you know."

I didn't answer. I just tilted my head a little and tried to imagine that talk.

"I've never made any sort of deal with your mother."

"But you're good at lying," Hayes said. "And I wouldn't know if you were lying to me. My instincts tell me I can trust you and I always have."

I walked close to her and took her drink away, downing it quickly.

I breathed out. "More," I asked.

She moved, filling the glass for me.

I took another few gulps and handed the glass back.

"I'm not a good person," I said.

"That's bullshit." She was always saying that to me.

"No," I said, walking to the window and staring out. There were too many things I could never undo.

She walked behind me and wrapped me up in her arms.

"Okay, you're right," she said, holding me. "You're not a good person. You're a great person."

"It's not funny," I said, feeling sad.

"Is this about your Aunt? Being wrong?"

A little bit...

"You were a kid and you didn't know," Hayes said tenderly. "Beating yourself up over that is counter-productive. That man has his life back and he knows you were only a child. There's no need to go all Xena: Warrior Princess on the entire world for something you couldn't control."

"It's more than that though," I said.

"What else then?"

"Look at how I talk to people. How I treat you…"

I was like a ghost in my own life. Leading people to feel all kinds of wrong things. I wasn't good at this. I caused too much guilt. My silence was such a tool and I wielded it daily, on everyone. I made everyone rethink their choices and their lives.

"You treat me fine," she said, breathing me in. "I mean I'd like it a lot better if you were upfront and you asked me to live with you and we could kiss in front of other people but if you're not into it you're not into it. It's fine."

"I am into it," I said. "I just don't want to be some stupid fling. And I hate being Tinkerbell."

"That's not what you are."

"How can I know that?"

"I love you, Tess."

She'd never said that before.

I froze in her arms.

"I hope that doesn't scare you," she said. "Believe me, I don't say it often."

I couldn't move, I just stood there and felt her warmth.

"You make me feel things I haven't felt in a long time," she went on. "Every night I spend away from you is a night I want to lose myself completely and not have to think. Do you even know what that means? That I can be sober with you without wanting to run?"

I hadn't thought about that.

"You make me think about things I don't hate. Sometimes you even make me like myself," she confessed.

I laughed a little through my nose. I didn't have words for her and I wondered if I ever would.

She was too smooth and I was game-less.

"Come on," she said. "Move in with me. You can keep your place if you want, if you're scared. Just move in with me, at least for a little while, just to see how it goes."

"Hayes," I laughed, pushing her arms down gently. It was a fine fairytale but that's all.

"Right," she said, bothered.

Her body moved back away from mine and she went back to her drink.

"Fine, your choice," she said. I heard her drinking and didn't know what to do.

There was a couch in her office. I went and sat on it.

Big mistake.

Soon as I sat she was walking over to me, offering me another drink. She was using liquor to get me to let her stay close.

Her knees came up beside mine and slipped in my my sides as her body rest ontop of my legs and trapped me.

Her hand went up to my face and she stared down on me.

"This is what I'm saying though," she spoke. "About it feeling like a game."

She held the glass to my lips and I let her feed me the liquor.

Once I had sipped some down she sipped some too and put the glass down next to our bodies, pushing my hair back with one of her hands.

I was a limp little doll when she did things like this. I wanted her physical touch. I longed for these things. I loved this.

"You know I need more attention than other people and you starve me, Tess. You play with me and it's cruel."

I sniffed and let my gaze drop. Her breasts looked fantastic from this angle.

"Hey," she said, "Look at me."

I felt her tap my face with her hand, it was close to a slap but nowhere near violent or cruel.

My eyes shot up and I warned her.

"Acknowledge what you're doing please," she said.

"Fine, I'm cruel," I answered, guilty.

"Thank you," she said, swallowing awkwardly and staring down at my lips.

Her fingers swam up into my hair and she started to kiss me all perfectly in forgiveness.

My body tried to rise naturally but she was ontop of me and all that did was cause more feeling and more tension.

"I'm moving in with you tonight," she said. "I don't care what you say."

Her decision was surprisingly sudden but I didn't care.

"Yes boss," I teased, knowing how much she hated it when I called her that.

"Fuck," she breathed, eyes closing as she kissed me again and completely lost herself ontop of me. Every single piece of me was longing for her to fuck me now but I kept it inside.

It was a messy idea, at least that way though I wouldn't be thinking of her out with other people in other people's beds.

"We're going home now," she said, once she finally kissed me enough to satiate her hungry appetite for a little while.

She moved up and off me and I couldn't even gather up strength to move. I was so ready for her touching, nothing else seemed to make sense.

"Get up," she said. "Let's go."

Her words were enough I guess. I followed her orders and her lead.

She held my hand in the elevator and when we got outside we took her car and left mine.

"I told my brother about us," she said. It surprised me. All this time I didn't think she was being serious.

"Oh?" I asked.

"He wants to meet you. Have a dinner. Something semi-formal."

"Okay," I agreed. It was starting to feel more real now. I wasn't anticipating all of that.

"Thank you," she said back, squeezing my hand as she stared ahead at the road while she drived. "Don't let me hurt you," she said, surprising me.

"I won't," I said. For now, I needed to pretend I could control such a thing.

"Good," she said. "I'll try not to but I fuck up, I always do."

"I know," I said.

"I really love you," she nearly whispered out all emotional.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't tell her I loved her right now. My method of starving her was working best. It was maybe something that others wouldn't dare try to do. I had to keep setting myself apart or else she'd never know me.

"You don't have to say it," she said. "I already know it's too hard for you."

I laughed to myself.

"Fine, I love you," I said, like she'd forced me.

She laughed and smiled. I could see a blush rise up onto her cheeks.

"Asshole," she muttered.

"Creep," I said back.

Who could say if we'd last. Right now we both knew what we wanted and it was this.

She'd probably cheat on me. I'd probably kick her out and ignore her at work causing her pain.

We'd get back together. It'd be better the third time or maybe the fourth.

I loved her, I really did.

I had nothing else going.

This was fine. This would be just fine. I never thought I'd be working with her like this. Life chose my path and I actually liked it, for once.

"You're too quiet, stop it."

"I'll need you to cook for me," I said. "And make me drinks."

"Oh?"

"When we get home you should run me a bath."

"I like you like this," she smiled all cocky and amused.

"Shhhh," I said, resigned to it and secretly excited.

"Can I join you in this bath?" She asked dreamily.

"I haven't decided," I said.

"Right," she said, teasing me.

This was how it would be. I liked this. This was everything. This was us.


End file.
